Two people in the dark
Not thinking ‘is it right?’
Is it love that their making?
Or is it just a fight?
Who are they thinking about?
Pushing, shoving in the dark
Like two animals in a cage
Trying to rip each other apart
Screams in the dark
But pleasure is their pain
She says she wants love
But in the light, it’s plain
To see that what she wants
Is just to be hurt
So she can forget the scars
That she felt first
And he doesn’t want to cause pain
But he can’t prevent
He’s pathetically unaware
Of her sick, sad intent
The night’s finally faded
It’s now still under the covers
And the battle no one’s fighting
Is over
~December 2004~
Magic
Are any of my blogs "magical"? I really don't know if anyone would consider them respectively magical, but i suppose i would. I remember writing a couple of them and, just like you said, i was drawing a blank but i had to write one for class tomorrow. I'd start off w/ something and it would suddenly begin to piss me off bc of it's sucky-ness. Then i would either ignore it for a little while or re-read it over and over trying to figure out what was wrong and then something completely different would come out of it. For example, my last free-blog was originally written... less than magically. I have learned that it's ok for certain things my brain spits out to somewhat shitty bc, if even one line in the whole thing is ok, some "magic" might happen and i'll come out w/ something that i never would have w/o writing the POS first. It's great when u surprise urself like that. :) Will i keep this blog thing going? ... maybe... just wait and see. :P
Losing Me
I’m losing myself more everyday
I wake up less and less
I’m worried one day I won’t
At first, it was just my happiness
I was still me
I was still good
But now I’ve lost so many pieces
I’m barely holding myself together
And I’m frustrated
Trapped in a mind I don’t know
And I’m angry
I take it out on other people
I’m afraid of taking it out on myself
And I’m scared
Scared I’ll never get back all those pieces I’ve lost
Scared these holes will only get wider
And for once, scared that these tears will stop falling
And I’m sad
Because I miss me
~December 2004~
I'm sorry for all the things I said. Maybe, one day, we can talk again... but first, I need to remember me. I'm sorry... and I'm sorry to everyone.
This Road
The road is in front of me. I don’t even wonder what’s at the end. I walk slowly. It’s cold and it won't stop raining. I keep looking back at that house. The windows are still lit. It appears so warm and safe but I cannot go back there. The door is locked and I am not wanted there anymore. So I walk this road alone.
This road has many twists and turns. It rains a lot still. I begin to wonder if there is an end. Every bend looks the same and no matter how much the road winds, I am always able to look back and see that house. I always thought it was such a pretty house. I’m glad I took a picture of it in case this road ends up taking me too far.
This road still goes on, but it’s changed now. I’m more afraid now. It’s darker here and it always feels like it’s raining, even when it's. I fear that I’m lost now and I can’t find help. I can barely see the house but it’s still there. I can’t help but look back. When I do, it makes me wish I had never entered that house.
~December 2004~
Advice no one should take
Spend all your money on the shit you want so there’s none left for the shit you need
Waste all your time on nothing so you’re late for everything that means something
Get sicker and sicker until you can’t remember health
Spread yourself around until there’s nothing left for you
Make excuses for yourself so you can disbelieve you as much as everyone else does
Do the things you think are wrong until they feel right
Lie to the people who care until they leave you
Truth to the people who don’t so they will too
Love all those who mean nothing so others can do the same to you
Keep people just close enough to know they’re not there
Sit alone in a room full of people so you can feel sorry for yourself
Cry until you drown
~November 2004~
Summary of my paper
I'm writing my paper about the unfortunate lack of knowledge about anxiety and panic attacks. A panic attack is when someone starts to experience intense feelings of fear. This causes physical sensations too; hyperventalation is the most common. There are different ways that can be used to help patients. Sufferers should try self-education before anything else. Then, if need be, therapy and/or drugs. Many may feel alone; it is important to assure them they are not.
I hate technology!
I swear, Compaq Presario computers were invented by the devil. My peice of shit computer has, once again, crapped out on me and now it seems to be in a coma. And i'm so glad bc i can't get to my paper that i'm supposed to have for class tomorrow! You kno, what would have been great is if i had atleast put it on a disk! But no.... i didn't bc i was still working on it so i figured it was a waste of time. And you think i would have learned from the last time my computer did this, last semester... and the semester before that... Yes, thats right! My computer has shit itself 3 times within a yeah and a half! Hopefully, this time, i won't need my hard-drive and my memory stick replaced. Seriously, if i have to lose my computer for 4 weeks, i think i'll just shit a brick and die. I'll admit it; i am freakishly dependent on it. Why does technology have to be so ........... LAME?!?!?
I am not a happy girl right now! >:0
ok so i tried to post this on monday night but i musta pushed "save as draft" instead of "publish post" so here it is anyway
That Girl
That girl, she’s got so much she can’t even see it all. She’s got respect, she’s got beauty, and she’s got love. Yea, she’s got love. I’ve never seen her so happy. You can see it in her smile. That’s the type a girl people want to get to know
Now where has that girl got to? Where is that pretty smile I used to see? How’d she get away so fast? Something must have scared her off. That's a damn shame.
You know, I’ve seen this girl who reminds me of her. She looks like her and sounds like her, but it isn’t her. No, this girl’s got tears behind her smile and she's still got some growing up to do. I think maybe she’ll get there. But for the time being, I sure do miss that old girl.
~November 9~
intro-conclusion
A growing problem is the lack of knowledge about panic attacks. The majority of people, after suffering their first one, have no idea what’s happened. Many even go to the hospital searching for answers, but leave still questioning. These people should be given information about how or where to find help. There are ways that they can help themselves, by reading about it and finding self-help techniques. There is also the choice of therapy and pharmaceuticals.
By informing sufferers about the symptoms and possible solutions can help to alleviate the fear. By informing them that there is help and that they are not alone, gives them hope. Many benefit from self-education. Others need more vigorous treatments like professional therapy and even drugs.
Feild trip to the library! just like in first grade!!
While at the library, i decided looked at 2 articles on the topic of film. One was a journal article from Post Script called "Wings of Desire and the value of mortality." The other was a magazine article from Sight and Sound called "The Innocents." The first article grabs attention by stating a belief from an ancient greek philosopher, Plato. The other just talks about an earlier successful film the same director had. The journal article gives more background information about Plato’s idea and assumes you’ve seen the movie “Wings of Desire,” while the magazine just reviewed the film “Finding Neverland.” They establish credibility by giving a lot of details about the films that you couldn’t know without having seen it. The journal makes more of theoretical claim and supports it with info from the film. The magazine just makes the claim that the movie is worth seeing and restates that in its conclusion. The journal kind of just leaves the reader hanging in the end because there really is no correct answer to the question this article posed. This forces the reader to think about it themselves and process the information they were just given. A magazine article would be less likely to do that.
This is the funniest thing i've ever read
This was a link in my friend's profile, and i know it's probably kinda cheating for me to put this in here, but it's just so funny i gotta. It came from David W. Deerfield II, Ph.D.'s website, a proffessor at Pittsburgh Supercomputing Center. There are a few other jokes, they are near the bottom under the "Greek-type humor" link but this looks like the best one. I actually laughed so much i cried. Hope u guys enjoy it too. :)
A retiring pChem (Physical Chemistry) professor was composing his last exam for a graduate course in statistical thermodynamics. Being a bit bored, and with a well kept and wry sense of humor, he set a single question on the sheet:
"Is Hell endothermic or exothermic? Support your answer with a proof."
He had little idea what to expect, or how to grade the results, but decided to reward any student who was able to come up with a reasonable and consistent reply to this query.
One "A" was awarded.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. The top student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion on average, we can predict that all people and all souls go to hell on average. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Thus, there are two possible conditions:
1) If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, than the temperature and pressure in hell will increase exponentially until all hell breaks loose.
-OR-
2) If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
We can solve this (de)lemma with the 1990 postulation of Ms. Theresa LeClair, the woman who lived across the hall from me in first year residence. Since I have still not been successful in obtaining sexual relations with her, I know that condition two has not been met, and thus it can be concluded that condition one is true, and therefore that hell is exothermic."
Hike from Hell
Mt. Monadnock is one hell of a mountain to climb. I don't know if any of you are from the Worcester, MA area, but if you are you know about Wachusett Mountain; it's more like a big hill. I severely underestimated Monadnock. If I hadn't had my friends to push me along, I wouldn't have made it. On this trip, I fully realized my fear of heights. While clinging to a sharply inclined rock face, I found that the view was more nauseating than exhilarating. And when I finally made it to the top, I could barely look around without feeling anxious. I crab walked half the way down in fear of falling. By the time I got below the treeline, my hands were red and swollen from gripping the rocks. I thought climbing a moutain was supposed to be physically and mentally healthy! This morning, when I woke up, I was so sore I could barely move! Needless to say, I won't be doing that again. Mt. Monadnock kicked my ass, so I think I'll stick to my hill back home.
counter-argument
In the article "Fear not," the author talks about being able to "erase" fear and cure people suffering from anxiety. I do not agree that it is possible to do this so completely. They claim that by understanding what is makin you anxious, u can eliminate it. But I have been suffering from anxiety for some time and been seeing a counselor. And even when I know what is bothering me, I still can't stop it because the more I think about it, the worse my anxiety gets. They also say that it is possible to use drugs to disable fear receptors. But to do this takes away a part of the human brain that is important. Not all fear is bad. Fear is part of an individuals ability to protect themselves. By disabling fear, it's true that anxiety might also be disabled, but I don't think it is a good solution.
Collage essay
I've decided to do my research paper on Panic attacks because I have a first hand experience with them. I have already done a little research on them and I'm hoping that knowing even more information about them could help me understand and prevent them better. Knowing more about a problem can help you deal with it. I will also talk about my experience such as what caused my first panic attack and how I dealt with it.
A panic attack is a very confusing experience. There is so much going through your mind during an attack that you don’t have time to think properly. All you think about is how you’re feeling mentally and physically; afraid, unreal and in pain. People come out of them embarrassed and confused, not knowing what just happened and afraid it will happen again. Some even go to the hospital but are sent home without answers.
Panic attacks usually come from big changes in someones life that they just can’t handle. I read about a woman who suffers from panic disorder and could barely make it through her daughters wedding. This was a happy event and it was still too stressful for her to enjoy. When something in your life changes permanently it could cause you to suffer without you even being aware. Then you have a panic attack that “comes out of nowhere.” This is when you really have to look inside yourself and find out whats wrong.
I had my first attack when I was at a very low point in my life; I was suffering from depression. I tried to deal with it by seeing a counselor but it just wasn’t enough. One day I just “went crazy.” I had my first full-blown panic attack. I had no idea what was happening. It felt like my chest was caving in and my mind was exploding. My face got so tingly it hurt. Three of my friends had to just sit there and watch until it passed. They could do nothing to help.
Panic disorder is a more popular disorder than many think. Many people don't even know that they have it. It's sad to think that people who suffer just accept the fact that they are crazy and don't go to anyone for help.
